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Diary of a BMW driver.....

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Diary of a BMW driver..... Empty Diary of a BMW driver.....

Post by Ian Nicholls Sun Jan 18, 2009 9:46 pm

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're 20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "
Ian Nicholls
Ian Nicholls
Mini Addict

Male Number of posts : 1685
Age : 55
Location : Stalham
Registration date : 2007-09-26

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Post by Ian Nicholls Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:04 pm

Judi was bored with driving her BMW...
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her." That's a lovely car," said the mechanic.
"What seems to be the matter?
Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again." Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"


Last edited by Ian Nicholls on Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:10 pm; edited 1 time in total
Ian Nicholls
Ian Nicholls
Mini Addict

Male Number of posts : 1685
Age : 55
Location : Stalham
Registration date : 2007-09-26

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Post by Ian Nicholls Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:06 pm

BMW thinks of everything
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is." Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground." What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger." Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman." They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger." Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
Ian Nicholls
Ian Nicholls
Mini Addict

Male Number of posts : 1685
Age : 55
Location : Stalham
Registration date : 2007-09-26

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Post by Ian Nicholls Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:08 pm

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights...
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
" Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
Ian Nicholls
Ian Nicholls
Mini Addict

Male Number of posts : 1685
Age : 55
Location : Stalham
Registration date : 2007-09-26

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